Honesty is a simple concept, and though I consider myself a very honest, sometimes even a brutally honest person, I have a hard time being honest with myself. At 25, I expect so much more out of myself, hell I expect so much more out of life, someone should have warned us that 25 isn't when I would get my shit together, isn't when I would fall in love and settle down. 25 the brink of falling apart, what am I doing? What do I want? Who am I? I'll push these questions aside as I continue pretending to live my "impressive, 'wow, her parents did well with her' life" but this complicated, overbearing "I'm so happy, even when I'm not" lifestyle is wearing me down and I know I can't be the only one. Some people say life isn't a competition, but it sure as hell feels like one.
Sometimes as I stare out the window on the city bus, I feel like I'm in a Dave Matthews video. Likely, playing the tune of "Where are you going?" because even when I'm not actually chasing a guy, I'm chasing someone, I'm chasing their life...the one I want to live. Maybe the grass is always greener on the other side, but I'll tell you, I've been on the other side....the grass is greener, softer, gets more sunlight and even has a rose bush. "Wake up, sleepy head, I think the sun is a little brighter today, " another great DMB tune. It's the stress of growing up, moving forward in a direction you're so unsure of; it's the dysfunctionality of trying to figure out who you really are because suddenly 20 something years into your life you realize you don't know yourself. I was dating this guy for about two months, a guy I adored, but knew wasn't the right guy for me...regardless, when he broke up with me, I was a total wreck. I've been crying about it for months (yes, months, even though we only dated for 2) I am a train wreck, when/how/why is this happening to me?? Since when am I the crazy, dramatic girl?
To emphasize my dramatic intake here, I deleted him from facebook AND dis-invited him to my holiday party. What am I? In 7th grade? Now, it's a snowball affect, I had anxiety about seeing him out with other girls, so I deleted him, now I have anxiety that he can't see me with other guys....I have anxiety that now he thinks I'm crazy. Three months ago, I thought he wasn't that cute anyway, I thought I could do better, I thought I was settling...now I'm crazy? When did I become the girl who settles??
Honesty, really isn't a simple concept. It's the gray area, it's camouflaging your emotions. I think the first step in figuring out who you are is being honest with yourself. After all, 25 is still young, I can still change my mind. I will surprise myself, disappoint myself, inspire myself...I'll inspire others, dissapoint others, surprise others. But if I don't stop comparing myself and competeing with others, I really will be crazy.
